This is the continuation of an earlier post. If you need to catch up, click here.
It was only a few hours later (the same day) that I sat crying with Jerry over something I saw that caused the hurt to rise again in my heart and mind. It’s part of the process we must go through when a loss is experienced, so I while I wasn’t alarmed by my response, it did turn cause my car to do a loop on the roller coaster.
Later that week a few other “challenges” popped up. Though we hated the financial commitment we made the decision to continue our current health insurance via COBRA. I went to a Doctor’s appointment that had been scheduled in the past. They informed me that my COBRA insurance would not show up in the system for 2-3 months so I could private pay and seek a refund later. I chose another option – rescheduling. While driving home I found my anger rising disproportionately to what the situation warranted. That scared me a bit and I asked God why I was reacting so strongly. His words in reply? “Because you still think it is all about you.” As I explored that thought more with God I realized that because I had felt wronged in another situation I assumed I should be free of being wronged again for a while. That one took me to a dip on the roller coaster.
The ride began to head up an incline again as friends come by to help us design and rearrange our house to make more effective office space for us. A new friend sent a lengthy email to me that just made my heart sing with gratitude for her and her friendship. Two other friends and I shared the longest text message conversation I’d ever had (4 hours) one evening. Clearly have friends join me on the ride helped to hit a new high on this coaster.
Then I paid bills (need I saw more about which part of the roller coaster ride this was?). We have savings. Without regular income, we knew we’d have to draw on some of that savings. Truly nothing unexpected happened, but still to see the numbers change in each account, and wonder when the next significant deposit would be made is scary. I had to remind myself that God has ALWAYS provided for our needs, and He had again; we have enough money to pay this month’s bills, and likely several more months. When/if the time comes that this is not the case God will continue to supply – I just don’t know how yet. But then, I don’t need to know yet.
How do I get off the roller coaster? Along with Philippians 4:8, I remind myself of 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NASB) “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raise up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”
I hope by reading this small glimpse into a few days of my life you have a clearer picture that I am not a super woman. But I do love and serve a supernatural awesome all powerful God who also lets me call Him Daddy or Poppa. I can worry, fret, stew and share that angst with you, or I can cling to Him and share that joy with you. Which would you prefer?