Enjoy Your Coleslaw!

In our newlywed years we lived across the street from a grocery store. One night while preparing dinner I realized I did not have lettuce for salad. I asked Jerry if he would mind going to the store to get some. He was amenable to the task.

Wanting to make life as easy as possible for him I told him it did not matter what type of lettuce he got, I could work with anything he selected. As I said this, I was thinking Romaine, Green or Red Leaf, Butter, Iceberg, etc.

Jerry came home pleased that he could take care of this need and smiled as he pulled a large head of green cabbage out of the bag. I am not sure what I said, but I thanked him and thought, I guess we’ll have coleslaw instead.

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Photo by freestocks.org from Pexels

What I do remember is his surprise to learn his purchase was not lettuce. Apparently, he had tossed salads growing up that were made with cabbage. That was a new idea to me, but, ok.

 

Our families of origin had some significant differences. But in the things that matter (faith, love, care) they were more similar. It was always intriguing to make a visit to one of our parents homes. We often uncovered more things in our family backgrounds that we just assumed were “normal,” only to find others did not do things the same way.

I think of that little story now as we prepare for Christmas. I hear from couples how difficult it can be to spend holidays with in-laws. I am thankful this was not our experience. I would love to visit again with any of our parents, but they have all passed. If you are blessed to still have your families of origin may I make two suggestions to perhaps ease some seasonal stress?

First, remember your in-laws are the ones who raised the man or woman you love. Even if they do everything polar opposite of you, they did something right in raising the person you chose to commit your life to.

Secondly, time is too short to sweat the small stuff. When you trip over a difference in your families, celebrate it. Talk about it, maybe even laugh about it. Try not to let it ruin your trip, or negatively impact your visit. From my experience – enjoy your cabbage salad, you may even find you like it!

God Doesn’t Waste Anything

God does not waste anything. While those exact words may not be found in the Bible, the concept is there. Over the last few months God has proven this in my life.

I had the usual childhood answers to “what do you want to do when you grow up?” Nurse, teacher, etc. As I grew though the answer changed – I wanted to be a missionary.  In my young adult years I knew the location – Germany or Austria.

When an opportunity was presented at our church to join a new venture, called “World Class Cities Teams” I felt the tug in my spirit. World Class Cities were defined as a city of one million or more in population. I applied and was accepted to join a team that would plant churches in Vienna, Austria. As our team formed and began to learn how to work together and raise support we encountered some obstacles. Our team fell apart and most of us never made it to Vienna. This left me with pain and discouragement wondering why I had to go through that experience.

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Photo by Adam Tumidajewicz from Pexels

Many years later the organization I worked with partnered with an urban ministry, World Impact. We taught them about disability. They taught us about urban life, where many  people with disabilities live; either by choice or default. The part of the city we were working in was known to be among the top zip codes in the state for violence, drugs, etc. Still, I would have moved there if I could have, but this community would have made Jerry’s life even harder than it is. I loved what I learned about urban life.

When our partner ministry moved out of that area, we joined forces with Oxford Circle Christian Community Development Association. Yes, even the anacronym OCCCDA is a mouthful. This work was in a part of the city that was new to me. Additional lessons came my way. Urban life is as varied as suburban life. Once again, I found myself wishing I could spend more time working with OCCCDA. I joined their Board and loved every minute of working with this community.

Then God moved us to central Florida. We do live within the city limits of a medium sized city, but still very much in suburbia. Here is where I saw the threads of my life coming together in God’s weaving.

Jerry and I joined the missions team at our local church. Each missionary supported has a liaison within the church.  One of the missions in need of a church contact was a seminary in . . .  yes, Vienna, Austria! Guess who quickly volunteered to be that representative? Though this looks much different than what I had envisioned thirty-five years ago, perhaps God is allowing me to have some level of contact and ministry in Vienna after all.

Working with Luke 14 Exchange, Inc took me to a meeting held at the Dream Center in the northern part of our city, which is urban. On our first visit there we learned about scores of amazing programs the Center offers for people in that neighborhood and around the city. One area they did not have any program offerings in was the field of disability. Hmmm, seems Jerry and I may have attended this meeting for more than one reason.

Every time I am in the neighborhood of the Dream Center (just four or five miles from our home) I see people moving around in wheelchairs or scooters and using canes. We are still exploring with the Dream Center what God has for us together. So far it has meant I’ve had an opportunity to reapply some of the urban living training I received in the past. It means that last night was the first of hopefully many opportunities where I and some church friends helped distribute food bags to the community. And it means I am developing a new friendship with C, a woman who lives with her own disability, and has a young son with autism. In a few short weeks she has taught me so much about trusting in God, vulnerability and living by faith.

I don’t know where else God will take these opportunities in the future, but I am

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Photo by Sergio Gonzalez on Unsplash

encouraged to see God unfold blessings from times in my past, even some difficult periods. I wonder what the final tapestry will look like?

And this much I know to be true, if He has done that for me, He will do it for you! What experiences do you wonder why or how God will use?

Give of Your Best

Have you ever had someone describe the behavior of a family member and you thought, Who are they talking about? That’s not the person I see at home? This seeming dichotomy makes sense to me. Most of us were taught to be our best when we are in public. Home needs to be a safe place. Part of being safe is letting ourselves be real.

I like letting my hair down, changing into comfy clothes, and letting go of pretenses. But there is a danger in this thinking. Putting my best foot forward in public, but not at home, means my husband gets the dregs of my day and myself. Let’s be honest, some days there is little way around that. Those are times we cling tighter to grace and mercy.

three-red-heart-balloons-704748Most days though, I have a choice. The relationship I have with my husband, next to the one I have with my God, is the dearest to me. It makes no sense to treat him in a way that communicates anything other than this.

When I am meeting with someone who has asked to talk with me, I put my phone out of sight, I focus my eyes and my heart on listening to them. If I tell them I will get back to them on something I try to make that happen in a timely manner.

When I do not interact with my husband with at least the same respect, something needs to change. Usually it is me. I may need to be more mindful of how I tune in to him. I may need to cut something out of my day to have more margin for him. I may need to put my own desires aside to focus on him. I may need to ask for a do over so I can give him the priority he deserves.

As life ramps up this month celebrating the One who was born to bring us peace, I think I’ll take a step back in my head and heart and make sure I am giving my best to the ones I love the most.

Loving Well

Recently, in one of “those talks” I told my husband that there were several ways in which I didn’t feel like he was loving me well. I felt I was valued higher as his co-worker in ministry and caregiver than as his wife. He took my feedback well. Over the next few days I affirmed him trying to put more focus on me, his wife.

Funny thing is, though I noticed his efforts, my feelings of being cherished as his wife did not change. I began praying that God would show my husband how to love me in a way I could experience it.

You may be able to imagine what came next. As I prayed that prayer God nudged me to pray that I would love my husband in ways that assured him of my honor, respect and love. Then God prompted me to do some introspection.

After evaluating myself, I asked to talk with Jerry again. This time I shared that perhaps this whole experience had nothing to do with how he loves me. The problem was me. I was the one putting more energy into being the co-worker and caregiver I thought he needed. Interacting with  him as my husband came in third. I apologized and began to focus on ways to spend more time and energy in our personal relationship.

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Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya from Pexels

It would have been easier to assume and lay the blame on him. But only easier in the short run; ultimately that ease would morph into tension. Owning up to my part doesn’t mean my feelings change right away, or that our relationship has no bumps. It does mean that when I am feeling underappreciated, or under-loved, it’s time to take inventory of how I am giving love.

Generally I support the idea “it’s not about me.” But sometimes I must step back and make it about me just long enough to do a better job at loving my husband and those around me.

Marriage, such a joy and such a work in progress . . .

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Photo by Simon Matzinger from Pexels

MARRIAGE MONDAY: 24 by 24

Today marks 24 years since Jerry and I stood before our family and friends and committed our lives to one another. The plans and dreams we had then have changed. We have certainly changed, as indiviudals and as a couple.  But we wouldn’t turn back the clock, even if we could. Here are 24 lessons in marriage we have learned in the last 24 years.

 

  1. Never stop dating.
  2. A good marriage looks nothing like what we see on tv or in the movies.
  3. Learning to disagree or fight well takes time.
  4. No matter how many more days or years God gives us together, it will never be enough.
  5. Let your kisses linger at least ten seconds.pexels-photo-424517.jpeg
  6. Appreciation and gratitude are the kindling to keep the marriage fire burning brightly.
  7. Resolve anger before you go to sleep.
  8. Never let your spouse give up on their dreams.
  9. Submission is not a big hurdle when my husband loves me as Christ loved the Church.
  10. Wives are called to submit twice – to God and their husband. Husbands are called to  submit to Christ and die! To die means to stop putting my own goals, ambitions and desires first.
  11. Nobody is ready to get married when they do.
  12. Your spouse is proof of God’s grace to you.
  13. Praying together is one of the surest ways to strengthen your relationship.
  14. It really does take a village, a family, a church to do marriage well.
  15. Being married means you get instant feedback – good or bad.
  16. When you get married you become one, but it takes a lifetime of learning and living together to work that out.
  17. You’ll be surprised what are the points of tension or struggle; it is rarely the big things.
  18. Disability is not our biggest challenge.
  19. There is no shame in seeking help or mentoring in your marriage.
  20. Figure out what works for you as a couple. It’s likely not identical to your family or friends marriages.
  21. The roller coaster is more fun than the merry-go-round. Also scarier and more intnese, but still more fun!

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    Photo by Kent Weitkamp on Unsplash
  22. Make time to talk each day.
  23. Spend time together in the Word of God. But don’t let the enemy discourage you when you don’t. Accept grace and start again.
  24. Marry your best friend. If you didn’t, make your spouse your best friend.

We would love to hear your lessons, be it 1, 24 or 50!  We know we still have much to learn in marriage, please share . . .

It’s Been Said . . .

Sometimes a few well phrased words can speak more than paragraphs of prose. I hope you enjoy some of my favorite marriage quotes.

A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.  Dave Meurer

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.  Winston Churchill

Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.  Fawn Weaver

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.  Dr. Seuss

Any good marriage is secret territory, a necessary white space on society’s map. What others don’t know about it is what makes it yours.  Stephen King

Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.  Joyce Brothers

A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.  Unknown
To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow — this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.  Elizabeth Gilbert

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  ‘When Harry Met Sally’

All the above quotes are sourced here.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham

What quote resonates the most with you? Is there one I missed that you would include in your favorte marriage quotes? Please share.

Just for fun – comment on which of the quotes above you think is the one I identif most with at this phase in my life.  I’ll fill you in next week!

We Passed the Test!

Last week we had the opportunity to put to the test one of the reasons we made the move to Florida a year ago. Most people, as they age, need some type of help or support. Those of us who live with disability in our families often need the help much earlier, and for a longer period in life. We did not want to wait to move until our post retirement years and be the needy newcomers. Our goal was to move while we still had time and energy to build friendships, be involved and give back in our community. Our hope was when the time came and we needed help it came based on our relationships.

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Beside being the anniversary of when we purchased our home here, this past week was also the first time since moving that we both got sick at the same time. It didn’t start out that way, but I joined Jerry in being ill just a few days after him. A perfect time for an emergency test of our community building skills.

Do you know what happened? Neighbors and friends from church brought food. Many prayed for us – even coming to our front door to pray over us and the house. People offered to run grocery store or pharmacy errands for us. Someone helped create a temporary fix for a vehicle problem until we could get it repaired.

I get it. This does not sound like a world-shattering experience or revelation. At least it should not be. This is how healthy communities function. But I’ve been in both the disability world and church world long enough to have heard the stories from families affected by disability who feel so alone, it seems no one sees or hears them, or misses them when they are absent. That is heartbreaking, but it does not have to be fatal.

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Please allow me a couple observations:

1) For families affected by disability, I know we may not have the time, energy or resources we perceive others do. First, perceptions are apples and oranges comparison, so let it go. But more importantly, how are you building into your community? It is unfair to expect everyone to see us and help with our needs if we don’t also make an effort to see them. It might start with a phone call just to ask someone else how they are doing. Or a quick email or FB post following up on something in their lives. Sometimes our community doesn’t know how to help, building a relationship will open understanding. We need to be willing to embrace others before we expect them to embrace us.

2) For the community person who is not affected by disability; Families affected by disability can’t always articulate our needs or be particularly grace filled when expressing them, some days it is just too much. Please don’t let us turn you off. We need you. If our name comes to mind, offer a prayer for us, drop a plate of cookies off, send off a thinking of you email, or call as you head to the grocery store to see if we need anything.

To our community and tribe, thank you! We love you and are so grateful for your love and care for us.family colorful group

To those wishing they had a community like ours, what is one thing you can do this week to build on a relationship in your circle?